Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.