My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“i am a sweet baby”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
He took my last fry, your honor
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.