There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
don’t we all
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”