I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Okay, I’m still confused…
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.