Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no