Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Happy Friday
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶