a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
😅🤣😂