Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
🙀🙀🙀😹
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t