God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
We’ve all been there
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet