ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.