if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Seek kebab; not attention
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!