Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
everyone’s a critic
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]