*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.