in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Breaking news:
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*