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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how BeyoncΓ© is doing. I said why canβt you ask how Iβm doing too and she says she will when I sound more like BeyoncΓ©.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I donβt expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me sheβs upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: itβs nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dogβs name is jeff
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back βthanks so much β€οΈβ.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. heβs going to kill you with a piano.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.