ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
You Might Also Like
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
File under excellent bookstore names.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.