I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.