The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
But wait…
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME