me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today