[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Breakfast for Stoners:
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“felt cute might delete later lolz”