Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
moms in horror movies
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex