Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”