“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.