“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi