Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
You Might Also Like
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”