I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.