Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.