My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*