[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.