cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.