today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Did I do this right
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”