WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed