If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
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Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.