[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Print is alive and well!!!
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.