My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
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neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books