Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
asked my bf how work was today
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Every damn time
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
🤯🤯🤯
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.