Mornin
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How do you like your Corgi?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”