Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?