My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.