Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me