One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back