Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset