Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
we’re gonna need another temp
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.