Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈