Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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Me driving through Toronto
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.