Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.