If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
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Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Hank is one in a melon.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.