I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.