I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
British people be like I’m Bri ish
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.