The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
This classic never gets old . . .
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?