Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I was bored.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses